By Jeb | Published:
June 15, 2009
Once you go gay, you may find you run into all sorts of “VCR problems”. Problems which can only be dispelled by the introduction of a small bottle of “VCR head cleaner” into your life, which for an entirely disconnected reason smell like paint stripper.
So don’t go sniffin’ that stuff.
On a related note, if you find you actually want your home to smell like paint stripper, you’re in luck! “Room odorisers” are also plentifully available in your city’s nearest gay suburb, funnily enough, right next to the VCR head cleaner.
Word of advice: don’t go asking for “poppers” for your birthday. Your more innocent friends may proudly present you with a home popcorn machine, freshly purchased from Target.
By Jeb | Published:
June 3, 2009
Sure, you needed to know how to get that rock-hard 8-pack. You needed to know how to please “her” in bed. And you really needed to analyse the minute muscle development of this AFL season’s biggest rising star.
But really, you just wanted to see grinning, shiny, hairless dudes galloping out of the ocean or lifting weights with a grunty look on their face. Let’s face it – Men’s Health was your sexual awakening! That expensive subscription was worth it just to truly understand your identity.
Other repression-favourite subscriptions: Metal Hammer, Ralph, GQ, Beer and Bourbon and Shit.
By Jeb | Published:
June 2, 2009
Nobody’s sure why, but call centres are littered with the gays. If you’re thinking of customer service as a line of work now that you’ve decided you identify as homosexual, you’ll be far from alone.
Step foot into one of these human battery farms and you’ll immediately be confronted with the magpie-esque hairdos that locals of gay suburbs are famous for. There is a dark side to all of this, though: the pink ceiling. To break into management, you may need to… shake hands with meat, as it were.
Not to worry – just treat it all like the real-world multiplayer game that it is. Your soul will be worn down with angry customer points, but you can level-up easily by allowing your supervisor to give you a “performance review” in the disabled toilets. It’s all up, up, up from there!
Photo: Vlima
By Jeb | Published:
June 1, 2009
Now that you’ve fully committed to the gay lifestyle, you’ll find that you’re at a particular competitive advantage in specific sporting arenas.
Specifically, wrestling is an interesting one. You don’t need any real strategy – just jump in headfirst to your favourite sexual position combined with a headlock. Your abundance of enthusiasm will hopefully surprise your competitor into miscalculating their moves.
If all else fails, sleazily lick your competitor’s neck. You can’t lose: you’ll either score a blowjob in the change rooms afterwards, or a terrified submission causing your victory.
See also: rugby scrums.
Photo: Beth Rankin
By Jeb | Published:
May 27, 2009
If you frequent internet cafes, then you may already be aware of the world’s best form of privacy intrusion masquerading as entertainment: pressing Ctrl-V to paste whatever the last user had on the clipboard to pry into their personal life.
Sometimes, you’ll only get a few clues into what they were up to… perhaps a simple couple of words, a shopping list, a paragraph of a website.
More likely you’ll uncover some explosive, semi-illegal text they’ve just used to populate their latest online hookup profile; which will require an immediate and thorough search of Urban Dictionary to decipher most of the acronyms.
By Jeb | Published:
May 26, 2009
Just finished your long-term prison sentence? Perhaps been inducted into the ways of man-love during your visit to the clink and looking for something a little more long term? Worried about how you’ll integrate into gay society?
Fear not! The tattooed, hairy, poor-hygiene-stinky, stocky prison dude is the apogee of sexual trophies is for most gay dudes, and you’ll have no problems picking up. Chances are they’ll want to roleplay the exact crime that got you arrested in the first place, so it won’t be too difficult.
Just go easy and remember to call out a few character names from Oz during intercourse. You’ll be fine.
By Jeb | Published:
May 25, 2009
Everyone had some great childhood costume parties – and you can carry on acting like a child right into your adulthood! Grab a candy baby’s dummy (you’ll find out why when you get to the party) and prepare for a throwback to your earliest birthday parties.
Absolutely every children’s party theme is represented: pirates, sailors, beach parties, fairies, sportsmen, leather pigs – yup, they’ll all be on your social calendar once again.
Word of warning: any mazes you encounter at large-scale parties may contain radically different prizes compared to your youth.
Photo: Buddha Rhubarb
By Jeb | Published:
May 22, 2009
New flat-screen TV? That’ll take some saving up. Shiny new Vespa? Think about a second job, perhaps. Purchasing an entire kilogram of the latest designer drug to hit your local gay scene to save in bulk? Perhaps consider a bank loan.
Except if you leave your deposits between the beef curtains, that is! Being a fully committed homo means you’re suddenly in posession of those fabled pink dollars. Whispered about with awe and admiration by financial commentators, flap these babies around at your local Westfield and you won’t have to justify anything to anyone. Being gay means this cash just falls in your lap!
Don’t listen to your mates: you won’t end up poor and in the suburbs, ever. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. Your call centre career will make sure of that.
Photo: curiousyellow
By Jeb | Published:
May 19, 2009
A-list actor by day, in a secretly arranged marriage by night? No doubt about it. Raps about raping the dead carcasses of their “hos”? Unquestionably sucks dudes off in public toilets after dark. Happened to glance in the vague area of his co-actor’s crotch while guest-appearing on a sitcom? Will be leading gay Mardi Gras float within the year.
It doesn’t usually matter what the medium is, but once you’ve committed your life to cock, you generally try to take every famous person down with you as well. Children’s game show hosts to retired rappers: anyone who’s ANYONE in the spectrum of the entertainment industry is coloured like a rainbow.
If your friends try to convince you otherwise, repeat your point louder, speak more clearly, and make at least one noise using your hands as an audio full stop. THAT should settle things.
