Reason #15: You Can Confuse Your Friends by Purchasing “VCR Head Cleaner”, Despite Not Owning a VCR

June 15, 2009

Once you go gay, you may find you run into all sorts of “VCR problems”. Problems which can only be dispelled by the introduction of a small bottle of “VCR head cleaner” into your life, which for an entirely disconnected reason smell like paint stripper. So don’t go sniffin’ that stuff. On a related note, [...]

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Reason #14: Your Subscription to Men’s Health Will Finally be Validated

June 3, 2009

Sure, you needed to know how to get that rock-hard 8-pack. You needed to know how to please “her” in bed. And you really needed to analyse the minute muscle development of this AFL season’s biggest rising star. But really, you just wanted to see grinning, shiny, hairless dudes galloping out of the ocean or [...]

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Reason #13: Working in a Call Centre Becomes a Real-Life Sex-Based MMORPG

June 2, 2009

Nobody’s sure why, but call centres are littered with the gays. If you’re thinking of customer service as a line of work now that you’ve decided you identify as homosexual, you’ll be far from alone. Step foot into one of these human battery farms and you’ll immediately be confronted with the magpie-esque hairdos that locals [...]

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Reason #12: Participating in Wrestling Tournaments is a Win-Win Situation

June 1, 2009

Now that you’ve fully committed to the gay lifestyle, you’ll find that you’re at a particular competitive advantage in specific sporting arenas. Specifically, wrestling is an interesting one. You don’t need any real strategy – just jump in headfirst to your favourite sexual position combined with a headlock. Your abundance of enthusiasm will hopefully surprise [...]

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Reason #11: Pressing Ctrl-V in Internet Cafes Located in Gay Areas of Town Will Blow Your Mind

May 27, 2009

If you frequent internet cafes, then you may already be aware of the world’s best form of privacy intrusion masquerading as entertainment: pressing Ctrl-V to paste whatever the last user had on the clipboard to pry into their personal life. Sometimes, you’ll only get a few clues into what they were up to… perhaps a [...]

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Reason #10: If You’ve Just Been Released From Prison, You’re Already Most Gay Guys’ Ideal Date

May 26, 2009

Just finished your long-term prison sentence? Perhaps been inducted into the ways of man-love during your visit to the clink and looking for something a little more long term? Worried about how you’ll integrate into gay society? Fear not! The tattooed, hairy, poor-hygiene-stinky, stocky prison dude is the apogee of sexual trophies is for most [...]

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Reason #9: Gay Parties Are Usually Variants of your Favourite Childhood Costume Parties

May 25, 2009

Everyone had some great childhood costume parties – and you can carry on acting like a child right into your adulthood! Grab a candy baby’s dummy (you’ll find out why when you get to the party) and prepare for a throwback to your earliest birthday parties. Absolutely every children’s party theme is represented: pirates, sailors, [...]

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Reason #8: You Can Justify Any Purchase by Remembering That You’re Spending Pink Dollars

May 22, 2009

New flat-screen TV? That’ll take some saving up. Shiny new Vespa? Think about a second job, perhaps. Purchasing an entire kilogram of the latest designer drug to hit your local gay scene to save in bulk? Perhaps consider a bank loan. Except if you leave your deposits between the beef curtains, that is! Being a [...]

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Reason #7: You Can Take Part in the Gay Community’s Secret “Who Can Gel Their Hair Highest” Contest

May 20, 2009

gonorrhea

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Reason #6: You Can Indignantly Claim That EVERY Celebrity in the World is Actually Gay

May 19, 2009

A-list actor by day, in a secretly arranged marriage by night? No doubt about it. Raps about raping the dead carcasses of their “hos”? Unquestionably sucks dudes off in public toilets after dark. Happened to glance in the vague area of his co-actor’s crotch while guest-appearing on a sitcom? Will be leading gay Mardi Gras [...]

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