Reason #25: Your Homosexuality Membership Comes with Built-In Car Discounts

by Jeb on August 19, 2009

used-car-salesman

It’s always a pain in the arse shopping around for cars, but not as much as having to deal with car salesmen.

This is where your Broadsword of Homosexuality comes in handy! Use it as your mighty weapon as a gateway to vehicular discounts. WITNESS:

Salesman: Well, you know, I’m sure your girlfriend or your lady would want you to buy this.
You: Actually, I’m going out with another man.
Salesman: UHH…. oh… REALLY? Umm… uhh. wow… ughhh…. umm….
You: So I’ll take the car right now if you knock another three thousand off the price.
Salesman: TAKE IT YES THAT’S FINE THANKYOU LET’S SIGN THE PAPERWORK ALL DONE HERE

Any other similar shopping tips where this method can be used? I speak with authority, the above situation actually happened to me.

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Reason #24: You’ve Technically Got Two Virginities

by Jeb on August 10, 2009

take-two-clapboardAll too often, folks lose their virginity in a regrettable manner, usually under the influence of something – alcohol, drugs, repeated exposure to Lady GaGa remixes.

Thankfully, as a homo dude, you’ve got a spare virginity up your sleeve. If you acted as the pitcher when you sorrowfully lost your virginity after one too many ciders and a knowing look from that dude at the party, you’ve still got your catcher’s virginity up your sleeve to fritter away!

Hell, it’s just like a sexy video game. 1UP!

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Reason #23: Gay Dudes Have a Universal Word, Just Like the Smurfs

July 28, 2009

If you’re familiar at all with the Smurfs, you’ll be aware of their strange language. The word “smurf” needlessly replaced any number of verbs and nouns in the Smurf language. To go “smurfing” could mean anything from embarking on a canoe trip to sexually harassing Smurfette. Thankfully, gay men have an equivalent universal word: woof. [...]

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Reason #22: All Gay Novels Have the Same Cover Artwork

July 25, 2009

What you see there is the only cover artwork you’ll ever find on a gay novel. This makes that tedious task of thrashing around in a gay bookstore attempting to locate a volume of gay fiction even easier! Sure, there can be some variance in chest hair, but you’re generally only going to have a [...]

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Reason #21: Your Beard Size Indicates Your Standing in the Bear High Priesthood

July 13, 2009

Some social pecking orders have a way of falling into place. As a kid, there were always very specific seats you sat in on the school bus. In the office, the more important executives are rewarded with corner offices. And when it comes to determining your standing in the Grand Bear High Priesthood at your [...]

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Reason #20: Moisturiser Will Miraculously Erase All Your Problems

July 6, 2009

Life’s worries can easily be erased with moisturiser if you’re a gay dude. Had a bad day? Simply apply enough of this slop to your face to cause an oil spill in your suburb, and nature do the rest. That’s not to mention that the encrusted facial sheen provided by moisturiser is an internationally recognised [...]

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Reason #19: You Sure Won’t Find Porn Stars at Any Other Kind of Community Festival

June 25, 2009

Your local country fair or Royal Show doesn’t exactly push the envelope. Fast food, clunky rides threatening to hurl you into the stratosphere with an impending mechanical failure, and whiffy farmyard animals. If you’re expecting more of the same when you attend your first gay community festival, you’re in for a surprise. In the pants. [...]

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Reason #18: You Can Turn Straight Guys Gay by Force-Feeding Them a Six-Pack

June 24, 2009

Well, it’s time you learnt something. What you see there isn’t actually beer. Not at first, anyway. But if you combine six of them together, something MAGICAL happens. Legend has it that the contents of six of these babies chemically combine into something special in your body. Some unknown force akin to a combination of [...]

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Reason #17: You Can Pretentiously Change the Spelling of your Name

June 17, 2009

As part of the process of coming out, you may find you’re flying headlong into a brand new identity. With that new identity is the undisputed permission to add as many needless vowels and silent consonants to your name as possible! The addition of extra letters is the simplest method and recommended for those unsure [...]

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Reason #16: You Can Play “Nightclub or Sex Venue?”

June 16, 2009

Especially when you land in a foreign country with more liberal ideals, you’ll find yourself in this dilemma. But you can turn that prickly problem into a fun game: nightclub, or sex venue? Place bets with your friends as you desperately try to decipher the answer without any penetration! This shit ain’t easy. That dimly-lit [...]

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