By Jeb | Published:
August 19, 2009
It’s always a pain in the arse shopping around for cars, but not as much as having to deal with car salesmen.
This is where your Broadsword of Homosexuality comes in handy! Use it as your mighty weapon as a gateway to vehicular discounts. WITNESS:
Salesman: Well, you know, I’m sure your girlfriend or your lady would want you to buy this.
You: Actually, I’m going out with another man.
Salesman: UHH…. oh… REALLY? Umm… uhh. wow… ughhh…. umm….
You: So I’ll take the car right now if you knock another three thousand off the price.
Salesman: TAKE IT YES THAT’S FINE THANKYOU LET’S SIGN THE PAPERWORK ALL DONE HERE
Any other similar shopping tips where this method can be used? I speak with authority, the above situation actually happened to me.
By Jeb | Published:
August 10, 2009
All too often, folks lose their virginity in a regrettable manner, usually under the influence of something – alcohol, drugs, repeated exposure to Lady GaGa remixes.
Thankfully, as a homo dude, you’ve got a spare virginity up your sleeve. If you acted as the pitcher when you sorrowfully lost your virginity after one too many ciders and a knowing look from that dude at the party, you’ve still got your catcher’s virginity up your sleeve to fritter away!
Hell, it’s just like a sexy video game. 1UP!
By Jeb | Published:
July 28, 2009
If you’re familiar at all with the Smurfs, you’ll be aware of their strange language. The word “smurf” needlessly replaced any number of verbs and nouns in the Smurf language. To go “smurfing” could mean anything from embarking on a canoe trip to sexually harassing Smurfette.
Thankfully, gay men have an equivalent universal word: woof. Hot dudes can be woofy. Expressions of enthusiasm can be WOOF! A patch of gas after one too many burritos can be… woof.
If you’re unsure of the syntax of this word, hell, just throw it around at random when you’re talking to dudes in a gay bar. You’ll be woofing woof in no time.
By Jeb | Published:
July 25, 2009
What you see there is the only cover artwork you’ll ever find on a gay novel. This makes that tedious task of thrashing around in a gay bookstore attempting to locate a volume of gay fiction even easier!
Sure, there can be some variance in chest hair, but you’re generally only going to have a torso to judge what the book’s about.
Hell, the actual story inside could be anything from the trials of closeted gay men trying to survive in the Middle East to a chemical-fuelled tale of partying in the East Village. Look on the bright side: no spoilers!
By Jeb | Published:
July 13, 2009
Some social pecking orders have a way of falling into place. As a kid, there were always very specific seats you sat in on the school bus. In the office, the more important executives are rewarded with corner offices. And when it comes to determining your standing in the Grand Bear High Priesthood at your local gay pub, your immediate rank is determined by the size of your beard.
If your face resembles a haphazardly assembled pile of pubic hair created at short notice, expect to be excluded from the inner circle and treated with extreme disdain.
On the other hand, if that that hairy bastard on your chin looks like an effective toilet bowl cleaner, you’ll be elevated to the upper echelons of the gay community (after everyone else is done with using your face as a toilet bowl cleaner, anyway – you don’t want to know what goes on in Grand Bear High Priesthood initiation ceremonies).
Photo: cris
By Jeb | Published:
July 6, 2009
Life’s worries can easily be erased with moisturiser if you’re a gay dude. Had a bad day? Simply apply enough of this slop to your face to cause an oil spill in your suburb, and nature do the rest.
That’s not to mention that the encrusted facial sheen provided by moisturiser is an internationally recognised signal for other gay dudes. Simply look for other grinning iridescent beacons as you stroll down the street, and you’ll never be lonely!
Moisturiser also has the additional benefits of turning your face into an industrial-grade reflective device, transforming your bathroom cupboard into a cosmetics TARDIS, and instant immortality.
Photo: Lorenia
By Jeb | Published:
June 24, 2009
Well, it’s time you learnt something. What you see there isn’t actually beer.
Not at first, anyway. But if you combine six of them together, something MAGICAL happens.
Legend has it that the contents of six of these babies chemically combine into something special in your body. Some unknown force akin to a combination of ecstacy, Viagra, GHB, Rohypnol and the power to uncontrollably invert your entire sexuality. If you’re straight, and a guy, anyway.
Believe this to the core of your being! You know it must be true.
Pay a spontaneous visit to some pubs in the lower-demographic suburbs of your city and try it out. Six packs, tongue down stranger’s throat, guaranteed success!
By Jeb | Published:
June 17, 2009
As part of the process of coming out, you may find you’re flying headlong into a brand new identity. With that new identity is the undisputed permission to add as many needless vowels and silent consonants to your name as possible!
The addition of extra letters is the simplest method and recommended for those unsure about such a commitment. Sam becomes Ssam, Nick becomes Nickk, and Barry becomes Barryy.
When you’re feeling a little more comfortable, you can progress to the replacement of letters already present in your name. Trevor becomes Treva, Colin becomes Kolin.
From there, you’ll start to get the natural feel of it all. Stevo easily transforms into Stiephe, your mate Davo becomes Dayfvid, and your buddy Bruce becomes B’ruse (needless punctuation is the name equivalent of a triple BMX backflip).
When you’re ready to go truly apeshit, just invent an entirely new fucking name. Laeiourent! Dreux! Aambercrombiiiy!
If you’re truly canny, you’ll simply add as many As as possible at the start of your new name. Gets you at the top of the list in online hookup sites every time.
By Jeb | Published:
June 16, 2009
Especially when you land in a foreign country with more liberal ideals, you’ll find yourself in this dilemma. But you can turn that prickly problem into a fun game: nightclub, or sex venue? Place bets with your friends as you desperately try to decipher the answer without any penetration!
This shit ain’t easy. That dimly-lit bar with dudes who just happen to have no arse in the seat of their pants? Could very well just be a bar. Then again, it’s equally as likely to be a well-catered darkroom filled with grabbing hands in the sex dungeon of some fuckvenue.
A telling clue can be found in the venue’s toilet facilities: if the urinal seems to have been crafted widely enough to accommodate a stocky bloke with an unnvervingly needy look in his eyes… the odds weigh towards a sex venue, but fuck, you never know.
In fact, it probably doesn’t matter. You’ll get touched inappropriately at either venue and encounter multiple dudes writhing around pouring amyl on their chests.
Photo: elmada
